Darting my eyes through the chaos, I search for her. I search for her knowing I won’t find her. I search hoping her last message to me was a lie. The look on her face, the movement of her body, something was wrong. Terribly wrong. “Where is Sam?” I bark, drawing everyone’s attention to me. I don’t wait for an answer when I can’t locate Sam, I head for the door.   

“Stone Cold. Oh, Stone Cold, I need to speak to you at once. It’s of the utmost importance.”

Scattered, Spinelli trips over himself trying to get to me. I see the years haven’t changed him.  Barely registering him, I blow right past him. I know he is there, but I don’t hear his word. My vision is tunneled,  hearing is tunneled, my body is tunneled. Sam was all I could see.

Reaching the front door, Spinelli steps in front of me. “We need to speak at once,” Spinelli whispers. Staring at him, I see the desperation, it drips off him like sweat on a hot day. My attention is all he wants, and I know what he has to say is essential, but it’s not about Sam.

Pushing him out of the way, Carly grabs me, pulling my attention towards her. “Jason, what is going on? What did Jordan want with you?” Surveying the room, Carly looks around, lowers her voice and whispers, “She was smug as hell. I hate when Jordan has the upper hand. Did Diane hand her, her ass? What was this all about? Jason? Jason, are you listening to me?”

Sonny interrupts from the other side of the room, “Carly give the man a moment to breathe and let Spinelli talk to him.” He’s casually seating at one of the desks, half leaning on it. He’s dressed in designers from head to toe. Looking up at me, he nods letting me know he always has my back. He could see I was preoccupied. He could see I was somewhere else. He could see I needed saying.

“No, Sonny. Something is going on –

“Where’s Sam?” I cut through the noise. “ She was just here. Where did she go?” Pulling away from Carly, and brushing her and Spinelli aside, I search the squad room one last time in vain. “Did she say anything? Was she alone? Why did you guys let her leave alone?” Pacing the squad room, I can feel the wrong floating in the air. I can sense the shift in security my family once had. My heart fills with guilt. I should have never left Sam once I got her. I should have made her stay. I should have made her understand. Immersed in my own thoughts, I don’t hear Spinelli talking until he touches my shoulder, stopping me, grounding me.

“Um, Jason, it’s of great importance that I speak with you post haste.” Circling to be face to face with me, Spinelli pushes papers in my face. “I’m afraid Fair Samantha came as went, expeditiously. She didn’t speak words to us, she didn’t even acknowledge us but knowing Fair Samantha she would want you to know and want you to hear what I have to say.” Pushing the papers further in my face, Spinelli doesn’t let me sidestep him this time.

Looking him square in the eye, “No Spinelli, whatever it is can wait.” I knock the papers out of his hands, push him to the side harder this time, again heading for the door. What Spinelli wants doesn’t matter, he couldn’t possibly know what Sam would want right now. He didn’t see her face. He didn’t look in her eyes or hear her voice. He doesn’t know she needs me.

“No Jason. This can’t wait. It’s everything. It’s the holy grail. It’s the light in the dark.  It’s the right to my wrong, and it must be addressed now.” Scrambling to gather his papers, Spinelli tries to sort them out, he tries to find the truth in the mess. “Jason, please listen.”  Looking back to see me leaving, Spinelli hurries to halt my forward process. “You want to hear what I have found.”

Grabbing Spinelli, pinning him to the wall, “Is it about Sam?” I rage in his face. It’s not what I want, but my instinct overrides all rational judgment. I feel in my gut something is wrong with Sam. And, no one, friend or foe will stop me. I can’t hear Spinelli, I don’t want to listen to him. The only voice I can hear is Sam’s, and it’s saying, I need you, Jason. Your family needs you.

I always loved Spinelli’s fight and will. Pinned against the wall, he still tries to shove the information down my throat like a mother force-feeding her children medicine to heal their sick bodies.  “Well um, no not particularly.” Shoving the papers into my face again. “ If you let me explain, you would understand. It affects everyone.” Wiggling out of my grip, Spinelli pleads with me. “Please, my friend just listen to me.”

Seizing the papers from him, I throw them aside once again.  “I’m sorry, Spinelli. This can wait. Sam can’t.” Placing Spinelli on the side of me, I retrieve my buzzing phone and move away from the crowd. Quivering at the sight of Sam’s name on my screen, I unlock my phone to listen to the voicemail from her. Collecting my thoughts, I place the phone to my ear as her voice rings through calming my raging heart. Listening to her words, I feel her pain, I feel her hurt.

“Jason, Hi. Um, it’s me, Sam. I ah, I. Um, you’re locked up, and I don’t know why or when you’ll be released. And um, I need you. I mean I need your help. I can’t tell you like this. I should have told you from the beginning. I should have… A lot of things happened that I shouldn’t have. This is all my fault, and I thought I could fix it by myself, but I need you. I tried to wait but I can’t. He has.” beep! The call abruptly ends.

Drowning out all the outside noise, closing my eyes, concentrating on Sam’s last words; I picture her face, her desperate eyes, and her quivering mouth, mouthing I need you. Her voice is sweet and calm. To the untrained ear, you wouldn’t know she was scared but I know Sam, and I know she is putting on a brave face. For me, the kids or herself, I know, Sam will fight. Shaking the image from my mind, “Sam.” I mouth, heading for the door.

“Jason, wait. What is going on?” Grabbing me before I can escape, Carly looks upon me with horror reflecting back on her. “What’s wrong? What was that phone call about?” Carly hammers on. She loves me as only she can, and I know her questions come from fear for me and under normal circumstances, I would take the time to calm her down, but now isn’t the time. Snatching myself away, I look through Carly. “I have to find Sam. Can you tell me anything about Sam?”

“Sam? She came and left. She didn’t speak to us. She went in there with you, and I don’t recall her leaving. I was focused on getting you out.” Grabbing my arm, I know Carly can feel the nerves radiate through me. My entire body is on fire, giving a slight hum to my skin. “What’s wrong Jason?” Carly ask.  “I can tell something is wrong. Let me help, let us help.” She reaches behind her to Sonny without taking her eyes off of me.

Ignoring Calry, nodding at Sonny, I finally leave the PCPD in search of the heart that beats out of my chest. Spinelli follows after, papers trailing behind him. “Jason, Jason wait. You need me, I can help.” He cries.

Grabbing Spinelli before he can leave, Carly too knocks the papers out of his hand, “Spinelli, tell me everything you know. Something is going on, Jason needs me, and you said you know what’s going on.”

Spinelli looks from the Carly to a leaving Jason. “I don’t know where he’s going or why he needs to find Sam.

“But you said,” Carly says.

“No, I said I know what happened to Jason missing years. I don’t know what could be laboring Jason now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Racing over to the Penthouse, I replay Sam’s message over and over again. I play it on repeat like it’s my favorite record. Her voice sounds so sweet, so casual, so breathless; like a mother’s lullaby on a baby’s ear. I know she’s trying to tell me something without telling me something. I can hear the panic she’s trying to mask; the fear she trying to hide. I analyze what she said, how she said; trying to decipher any secret message in her words. I’m positive there’s more she wanted me to know.

Arriving at the Penthouse, I barely get my truck into park before I’m out and running for the entrance. Every minute that ticks by I feel the danger to my family, mounting. Racing up the 14 flights of stairs, trying to forget the regrettable night Elizabeth did this very thing in the dark, I transform myself into who I need to be. I become the person people fear, the person people need. I transform into Stone Cold.  With my hand on my gun, I enter the 14 floors, cracking the door to the hallway, I scan the area. The hall is dark and silent, giving me a surreal feeling. This place used to be home, and now it feels like a prison holding my loved ones hostage.

Letting my gun guide me, I move towards the Penthouse door to find it slightly ajar.

“Sam?” I call into the house. “Are you here?” Pressing my gun against the cracked open door, I listen for signs of life. “Sam?” I call out again only hearing the echo of my own voice against the silence.

Swinging the door wide, everything is still.

Stepping into the house, I feel everything and nothing hit me all at once. All I wanted was to walk into my home and find my family waiting for me. I dreamed about it, prayed for it and now to actually be here; to be home. It wasn’t what I imagine. Walking into a dark, cold house felt like God was playing a cruel joke on me. I felt like a foreigner in my own home as if I didn’t belong.

Gliding through the main level of the house, my eyes are alert, and my gun is ready. “Sam?”

The house smelled like her; flowerier and sweet, with a hint of lavender. My favorite. The whole house smelled like she just finished bathing. I use to love coming home to this smell. To her fragrance. Her essence surrounds me, replacing the air in my lungs with her sweet scent. Yearning for her from my core, I just want to be wrapped in her everything.

Circling the room, I take it all in. I take her in. Filling my lung with her sweet scent. My soul yearns for hers, it aches for it’s missing piece.

Moving through the house, my body tenses up, making me feel out of place. The living room was how I remember it. The furniture was different, but the set up was the same. I remember the pictures on the mantle, more have appeared over the years, pictures of people I don’t recognize but the ones I cherished the most are still there. Emily and Lila. My beautiful wife. My sweet Michael as a baby, and one I’ve never seen but remember taking it like it was yesterday.

Brushing my fingers over Danny’s face, I slowly pick up our first family photo. Our only family photo to date. I remember Sam’s words like they are being whispered in my ears at this exact moment. “Our first family photo.” She was so happy that day. I was so happy that day. We were a happy family that day. “Say cheese!” Her smile, I can see it. Her joy, I can feel it. My son in my arms, Sam by my side, smiles on all our faces; it was everything I feared but wanted. It was everything I still wanted. Remembering us together was as real to me now as it was all those years ago. Closing my eyes, I let the memory sweep me away to happier times. “They’ll probably going to be a million more.”  A promise never fulfilled. A photo of a family that never got a chance to be.

I wanted for just a moment to be back there. To be in that moment the three of us alone, happy, and smiling. I wanted to go back to that moment and never leave them. I wanted to go back and live in the love and light forever.

Placing the picture where I found it and pushing the memories away, I continue my journey through the past.

Spinning on my heels at the sound of noise, I take in the whole room. Memories of what was fight with what-if thoughts. I remember the life shared here. I remember the life that was planned here. I remember when this was all mine. When this was my home when she was my wife when this was my family when this was our future. The here and now might look different, but the bones were still the same. Our hearts were always the same.

Seeing no sign of life or a struggle, I move up the stairs to the second floor.

Gun-armed and ready, I let it take the lead, guiding me through my past. Leading me on my journey into the unknown. “Danny? Sam? Is anyone here?” I whisper taking every step, as gently as possible. Only able to hear my beating heart, silence surrounds me again. Silence has always been my friend, but now it threatens everything I love, making it my worst enemy.

Rounding the corner of the second-floor landing, the anxiety in my chest builds as I get closer and closer to the master bedroom. Our bedroom. The last place we were a family together. The only place we were connected as a family before everything went horribly wrong.

Looking down the long hallway, everything feels foreign. There are more doors than I remember, the walls have been recently painted, and are liter with pictures. The hardwood floors are now carpeted, and baby gates block every opening. The life I once lived here was long gone. It was more than gone, it was stolen, disassemble and given to the highest bidder.

Moving through a life I never got to live, I try the first door closest to the stairs. “Sam, are you here?” Pushing the door open, no longer letting my gun guide me, I enter the shattered room.

I don’t recognize the room we once shared as husband and wife. I don’t recognize anything about it but the open safe. Stepping further into the room, I hear a crack under the weight of my foot. Looking down, I find Sam smiling face in all white looking back at me. She holding flowers and lighting up the room with her bright eyes. She looks beautiful and peaceful.

Her smile lifts my spirits, reminding of her inner warrior.

Lifting my foot to reveal the full destroyed picture, my heart shutters at the imposter holding my wife. Picking up what was left of the photo, I take in the reality of what this photo is and what it means. Closing my eyes, I try not to think about the moments that transpired before it was taken. I try not to think about the vows that were exchanged. The pledge to love and honor. The I do’s followed by you may kiss the bride. I try not to think about my wife becoming someone else’s.

Throwing the picture at the wall, I move further into the warzone room. Destroyed, Sam’s life the past five years clutter the floor, making it hard to move.

Staring at the bed we once shared, her essence hits me out of nowhere, surrounds me again, transporting me back to our last moments together.  “Jason I can’t believe this is happening. I love you so much.”  Sam’s voices echoed through the room like a trapped ghost. “Sam” I whisper, circling the room for signs of her. “This ring is never coming off my finger ever again.” Her voice nibbles at my ear.

Shaking her ghost off of me, I head for the closet.

The walk-in closet is the only thing normal about the whole room, except an entire side is empty. My side. My side of the closet is vacant, untouched and abandoned. It’s like it been waiting this whole time for me to return and make everything right again.

Moving deeper into the closest, I brush against her clothes. The smell of her is at its strongest, it’s most potent in here. Her scent was aimless and trapped, waiting to breathe life back into me. Taking a moment to breathe her in, I realize how much I miss her. How much I need her. How much of me is her. Grabbing one of her dresses and holding it to my nose, I take all of her in. Breathing her into my soul, transporting me back to our first night back together. I can feel her touch tickle my skin. I can taste her skin on the length of my tongue.

“God, please let her be okay, please let them all be okay. You didn’t bring me all this way just to lose them now.”  Praying to the heavens, I make my way out the closet and back into the war zone.

Standing in the threshold, examining the scene one last time, the memories hit me again. “Even through everything, I never stop. All those what if’s are coming true now.”  Guiding me out of the room, our last night together, our only night together wraps me in its warmth.

Nothing was the same about this house of mine, nothing but the smell of her.